Best Hand Lotion in 2011 by the Outdoor Community

We went out on the road and visited with real birds in real backyard settings.

 We brought with us, four of the most popular hand lotions on the market!  We asked random birds to candidly tell us WHICH one of the four lotions was their personal favorite and why!

In a small outdoor mall near the outskirts of town we stopped a fidgety looking male sparrow and asked if he would comment on our lotions. The male sparrow said "Cocoa Butter Baby! It's Vaseline for me all the way!" There was a great deal of innuendo in the tone of his reply!

 In another part of town, a lovely black-capped chickadee told us her name is Marolina Caroleena. She told us that Gold Bond Ultimate has been her favorite for years. She said because of the CoQ10 in the ingredients, she is still able to fly and get around at 75! She said she rubs Gold Bond Lotion on every single night and when she wakes up, her wings feel like Satin feathers!

 At that same mall, one of the high-class shoppers from an upscale neighborhood held her beak in the air in utter disdain at our lotion selection! She refused to even acknowledge our questions.

The majority of the birds we asked said their favorite was still good old "Jergens Original Cherry-Almond Scent Lotion". When asked, "Why?" Many of the birds unanimously said that the Jergens lotion brings back fond memories of their mothers feeding them regurgitated almonds. 

Some birds waited in line for hours to give us their feedback on the four lotions.

Bitter amusement ride operator has the last laugh!

Once upon a time there was an amusement park ride worker, who's name was Slash. Slash thought he was the meanest, toughest, nastiest amusement park ride worker around. Everybody who met him, agreed. He was known as "Slash" because if you tried to hand him your ticket to get on a ride, he'd slash through the air with his sharp bird foot and you had better hope he got the ticket and not your hand!  Slash was bitterly mean like that.

Of all things, Slash operated the Miniature Tilt-A-Whirl ride at the local fairgrounds every year. He hated the fact that it was 'teeny' and he especially  hated all 'teeny' people! It was a cruel twist of fate that brought him a career choice with the two things he disdained the most!

It was the end of the day on a Sunday night and along came two perky fairy ladies. They gave him their tickets and eagerly hopped on one of the available cars on the battered old Miniature Tilt-A-Whirl that was operated by Slash!

Slash made sure the little bitty fairy ladies were nice and comfy. He turned his head away so they wouldn't see that he was totally stoked! He was about to send these two tiny ladies into a spinning orbit of epic proportions!

When the fairgrounds was empty, Slash would 'tinker' with the old Miniature "Tilt-A-Whirl and adjust this and that. Tonight...the two fairies were going to experience the 'THAT'!  Without hesitating, Slash picked up his special remote control and pushed the red button. The Tilt-A-Whirl car that the fairies were in went from 0 - 60 in 30 seconds and then was spinning at warp speed. They were spinning so fast, the ride car was just a blur!

Slash reluctantly pushed the blue button and the ride car began to slow down and finally came to a stop. Slash couldn't wait to see the two piles of 'pink and green fairy' pudding that would be slopped all over the inside of the ride car.

But, NOoooooooo! Instead of screaming, blithering, hideous fairies with faces all stretched out...there they were! Lying on their sides and LAUGHING! They were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes! They actually both asked...'Could they go again'!?

Slash became furious and began tremble with his anger and he told those two fairy ladies to "GET OUT of my Miniature Tilt-a-Whirl Ride NOW!"

It wasn't until the next day that a stranger passing by happened to see what appeared to be Slash, spinning insanely at a G-Force speed on his Tilt-A-Whirl ride! Somebody went to to get the Fair Ground's manager, and the ride was finally able to be stopped. When they got to Slash he was in a Tilt-A-Whirl induced coma. In his bird claw was the ride's remote. Slash's claw was pushing down hard on the blue button.


Apparently the batteries on his remote had died. Later, on the news, people reported that they remembered hearing some type of diabolical laughter all through the night. Nobody equated that sound with Slash and his miniature Tilt-A-Whirl.

Check Out at the Garden Center

Mildred Featherlight waited patiently at the checkout counter for assistance. Mildred had been standing in line at a local trendy garden center for nearly 30 minutes. Mildred wanted to make her purchases and get home to her family!

The customer in front of Mildred kept asking the clerk if any plants were on sale. Each time the customer held up a different plant and asked, "Is THIS plant on sale?", the clerk would reply and say, "I dunno." The clerk would then do a price check on the plant in question.  This process went on until Mildred reached her boiling point. It was at that moment that Mildred seriously thought about opening her beak and letting out some choice bird expletives towards the idiotic store clerk!

Instead, Mildred left a special message for the Garden Center clerk to find at the end of his shift. Written out, on the hood of the clerk's car, were the words, "You are a complete moron!" What made it really disturbing was the fact that the words were neatly written out in 'bird droppings'!

What to expect for public transportation while vacationing in Tibet

Bird Tourists travelling in Tibet learn first hand that transportation from one point to the next can be a very slow process. There is only one mode of travel - Turtle Taxi.  All significant tourist attractions in Tibet can be reached by Turtle Taxi. The turtle taxi can accommodate up to 15 passengers as well as immediate family members on any given trip.

Why do people throw tennis shoes up on telephone wires and tree branches??

Charles the Chickadee, alias 'Chirpman', a street savvy bird, was flying high when he noticed a pair of baby sneakers tied up on a tree limb close to the sky. 


"This is an outrage and a travesty!" Charlie said!  "What kind of person would take baby sneakers off of a baby and then throw them up onto a high tree branch?"

Charles 'Chirpman" decided it had to be the work of ruthless baby gangs!  Baby gang members have been rumored to try and dominate the space inside the playpens at various daycares throughout the city!

It's also been asserted to that "No member of a baby gang ever wears shoes!"

Whatever the reason for the hanging baby sneakers, Charlie was sure glad that baby birds don't wear tennis shoes!

Harold finds himself totally screwed.

"Fly over in about an hour and meet me in the lobby of my church.", Betty Lou told Harold. "I want you to meet my new minister!"Harold flew like a bat out of hell to make it to Betty Lou's church on time to meet her. However a successful meeting with Betty Lou's minister was not in Harold's cards...."Eeny, meeny, miny, moe... I wonder into which church I should go!"

Nothing is as much fun as going to a spa with your BFF!

Clara and Edna have an BFF day at the local bird spa!

"WOW!" said Edna as she sat up, after receiving a delicious one hour out-door massage! ... "My neck feels fantastic - the kinks are all out, I have my LONG lovely neck back once again! I feel so beautiful!"

Elsewhere in the spa...Clara murmurs, "This mineral bath is working major magic on my tired legs and feet! The aromatic conditioning oils are absolutely heavenly!"

Later that day...

"I hate to say this Clara, but I think that mineral bath did something atrocious your feathers! You are looking freakishly puffy!"

"Oh really Edna? Well...Miss-Can't-even-turn-your-head-and-give-me-eye-contact-while-issuing-an-insult! It looks like YOUR neck is once again TOTALLY JACKED UP!"


The BFF bird ladies felt it would be better to attend spa services separately in the future.

Sometimes running into an old friend can prove to be awkward.

"OMG! Is that you??? Big Bernie Roostofolous? I almost didn't recognize you! You've had work done since we were room-mates in college!  Looks like you got a double DD beak implant and some serious feather extensions put in!"  

"Actually...I go by Bernice now."

"Like I said..."OMG!"

The REAL scoop on the Three Little Pigs.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs and the time came for them to leave home and seek their fortunes.

Actually...there were four little pigs. Nobody ever talked about the 4th pig because he was a very bad little piggy.  He had left home and become a heavy gambler.The 4th little piggy had signed gambling markers at several casinos totaling over $6,000.00 that turned out to be worthless! 

The big bad wolf never bothered the 4th piggy. The wolf's specialty was 'intimidation' which he loved to use on the other three pigs because he was a natural born bully! However, there was this blue jay who came around daily.  The blue jay was a debt collector sent by the casinos; the big bad wolf was his mentor.

  

 "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

The 4th little pig could often be seen pushed up against his little house trying to come up with a new excuse as to how he planned to pay the money back. The 4th little piggy had seen first hand how a blue jay can crack open a peanut with it's beak!  A blue jay collection guy meant business!

The 4th little piggy's cheap fiberboard house was going to be no match for a blue jay debt collector!

The Alley Cat v.s. Brown Sparrows

"Hey Alley Cat! ... I bet I can take you!"

"Consider yourself taken! 

"Ask yourself this Alley Cat, does this cat eat bird scenario really seem to be workin' for you?"

Life of the Rich & Famous (in bird world)

One of the wealthiest birds on wall-street is Andrew Birdworthy. Mr. Birdworthy has a penthouse apartment with a balcony set up that most birds can only dream about! Andrew Birdworthy is the sole owner of the first of it's kind ever ... 

White gold robotic bird BUTLER!

Andrew Birdworthy and his new companion have bonded well. It appears Mr. Birdworthy won't be returning his new white gold bird Butler!!

"My lovely white-gold friend!...Why don't you head out and fill that nice shiny expensive bowl, once again, with MORE bird treats and bring it all back /over here to me!

  

Stir Fry Restaurant to include Fresh Insects!

 Elated bird community flocks to new Insect Stir Fry Restaurant!

"You have my assurances little bird, all exotic ingredients are fresh! All insects are imported live, to our restaurant, from South America. The millipedes and dung beetles in this dish I am preparing for you were squirming and alive when I put them in the stir fry! The death sizzle after-taste will greatly please your palate!"

The City Health Inspector stops by Habib's daily to ingest insect life used in stir fry meals. So far his reports have been very positive!

Final Resting place of Humpty Dumpty Found! (National Enquirer Headliner)

 Visiting sparrow happens to look down during a recent long distance flight and spots the remains of HUMPTY DUMPTY in Minnesota yard!

It's an age old legend that an egg shaped guy named Humpty Dumpty fell down from a wall. What happened to him after that fall has been a mystery up until now!

 It turns out that one forth of Humpty Dumpty's egg shaped body didn't crack into a million pieces! In fact...one upper piece of Humpty Dumpty can be seen in the Pergolian Outdoor Mausoleum and Cemetery located in the Twin Cities!


Humpty's head is surrounded by precious stones. What's left of his head is ensconced in a white gilded cage. The cage has lion statues standing guard over the final resting place of Humpty. Visitors are allowed to visit the monument on Sunday afternoons only.

Visitors who contribute specialized rocks to the stone pile, are allowed to see Humpty with the protective cage open!

Visitors say that it appears that Humpty was a happy man when he went out.

Living the Dream - up north at the cabin - just you and your canoe

Conversation with Mr. Bluebird up at his cabin.

"Hey Blue! You gonna use that canoe? Me and my fraternity brothers are up north here, taking a weekend away from college and we are looking for a party boat!"

"Actually, I was planning on taking it out for a peaceful canoe ride this afternoon."

"Come on old bird...you're just one guy! This little boat could hold me and all my frat brothers!"

"Well, it is MY canoe - so I plan to use it BY MYSELF!"


"Listen blueman...I'm the bird fraternity president and my frat brothers sent me over here to talk to you. They said you are not willing to let us use your party boat this weekend! Perhaps we could negotiate!"

"No...I don't really think so. Why don't you and your pals try driving up to the lodge, I'm sure they rent party boats there to polite, distinguished fraternity gentlemen, such as yourself!"

"Hey Blue Wingtips...anybody ever call you Blue Wingtips before? It suits you. Well that's what I'm officially calling you and here's the thing Mr. Blue Wingtips...my frat brothers and I....we really dig your red canoe. We see this canoe as a means to a really memorable weekend...you see where I'm going with this Blue Wingtips?"

"Ahhhh, the thing is...I just purchased this canoe, (35 payments on a lay-away plan) and brought it up here and I'm REALLY looking forward to my first ride in it!"


"Hey Blue Dude! Sorry man! I had waaaaaaaaay to many meal-worm and sunflower seed cocktails and now all of that is disgustingly swimming around in the bottom of your new canoe! You really should come over here and see this! Apparently meal-worms don't die even after you tear them apart with your beak and swallow them!"

"Why don't you and your nice group of impeccably mannered fraternity people take my canoe for the entire weekend! My treat!

How to Move a Bird Nest

It takes a dedicated bird breed to become a 'Bird Nest Mover'.  Each bird nest mover purchases their own truck and is responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of the vehicle.

A great deal of discussion goes into moving a bird's nest.  The bird nest owners usually want to take a good look at the truck that is going to be used in the delicate job of moving their bird nest from one location to another. Here we see the truck owner explaining to a potential client exactly how the job will be done.

 Most tow-truck owners are quite proud of their trucks and are willing to supply references as well as documentations supporting their qualifications.

The truck owners like to take care of all the details themselves and provide first hand attention to the job at hand.

It is essential that all of the truck's mechanisms are working perfectly as bird nests are very delicate and there is no room for error.

Last minute preparations are made by the nest owner before it is loaded onto the tow truck.

The nest is then carefully loaded onto the truck where it is secured by bird spittle.

The truck moves through town towards the nest's new address at approximately 3 mph. The driver must not speed or drive over any bumpy areas as the nest could possibly blow out of the truck. There are often gawking birds along the way who marvel at the sight!

 Once the destination has been reached, the driver carefully unloads the nest from the truck.

The nest is then carefully placed in front of the owner's new home. After the tow truck driver leaves, it is up to the nest owner to figure out how to get it's nest into it's new home.

You don't always look exactly like your parents!

"Growing up I realized I didn't look anything like my mom and dad. I'd often stare at the two of them over worm dinners and  I'd wonder if I was adopted. Even after I got older and had my own place, I'd still show up for dinner with my parents, grab a worm from the dish and ask my mom and dad to tell me the story again. I'd say, 'Please, just tell me the story, one. more. time. about how you two met and how I came to be born!"

Car Salesman at a Bird Car Dealership

It's a little known fact that birds have to deal with car salesmen too!"Hey Buddy! Take a look at this car that just came into the lot!"

"Wow! This car has some really nice lines!"

"Come take a look inside! This car is loaded with extras!"

 "Holy Mother of Bird Rides! Look at that custom dashboard!"

"Here's the deal my little bird friend...I've already had 3 offers on this fantastic car!!! The price is a steal! I think you should buy it right away so YOU can be the one to drive away in this baby!"

"Ok...enough with the strong arm tactics...I'm tired of flying, and I am definitely going to look good in this car!"

You have to wonder if the purchaser remembered to ask for a CARFAX.