If you build, they will come.

Henry Featherstone was a bird with a dream. He moved to Tahiti 2 years ago. He built a fine thatched hut that he was proud of.  Now all he needed was a financial backer. His dream was to run a Tahitian bird bar located over the water. Birds flocked by the billions every year for bird vacations in tropical Tahiti. One thing birds just love to do on vacation in a tropical setting, is consume large quantities of bird liquor while relaxing in a thatched hut!

The bird bar was going to be called

 "Henry Featherstone's Hut of Discombobulation"!  

Henry's key advertising strategy would be to promote the fact that... There is a WORM in EVERY bottle of booze, not just in the Tequila!

Prehistoric Dinosaur Diet (Little known facts)

Dinosaurs rarely liked to eat alone. 

Paleontologists have discovered that hungry dinosaurs used to tilt their heads back and make guttural sounds which beckoned bird creatures to join the dinosaurs in sharing a meal.

One of the dinosaur's favorite meals was Chicken Noodle Soup!  There would often be a race between dinosaur and bird to see who would eat the most noodles!

After the soup was completely consumed, the satiated  dinosaur would have the bird hop up on it's shoulders.

 The bird would keep watch as the dinosaur stood up straight again. Then the two eating companions would howl with delight as the dinosaur used his clawed foot to flatten the soup can.

Somewhere in the neighborhood of 20,000 flattened soup cans were also discovered by Paleontologists! The soup cans were embedded in the rock next to the remains of various species of dinosaur!

The Lookout

Unlikely group of jewel thieves continues to be successful in stealing valuables from rich socialites!

 During the past two months, a group of three thieves have been working together committing successful robberies in Minnesota back yards! The leader and 'lookout' of the jewelry stealing group is a jail-bird who goes by the name of Feathers McGillicuddy.

Last night the thieves made off with a pearl and diamond necklace worth close to two-million dollars!

What if you found out your closest neighbor was a Troll?

Henry Birdstein lived in a small condo in the Village.

 He had heard through the grapevine that the tall condo next to his was recently sold.

One morning Henry came out of his condo and met his new neighbor, Biff.

Henry observed that Biff had atomic pink hair and eyes as big as two fried eggs and he immediately assumed that Biff lived a lifestyle filled with parties, drugs and alternative people.

Biff observed that Henry looked completely uptight and immediately assumed that Henry was a tight-ass, a snob and probably had a bug up his butt.

 A year later the two sold their condos and moved into an expensive New York brownstone apartment together where they lived quite happily for years.

Strange Bird Phenomena

When word gets out that there is VINTAGE KITCHENWARE out on a lawn somewhere...birds suddenly seem to go crazy!

They fly towards it, they land on it and they stare at it! The birds seem to obtain some type of enjoyment by just coming into contact with it!

Betty Lou Jones and Butch Slammer - Star Crossed Lovers

Simple Explanation for This Photo

Butch Slammer tells the following story every night at the bar to anyone who will listen...


"I was riding my Harley, it was twilight, when suddenly the bike hit a pot hole and I went flying! My body literally propelled itself through the air! I thought that this was going to be the end of me!"


"Just before I completely hit the ground, my body bounced against a large bush and the bush flipped me right side up.  Then, BAM! Total Insanity, but I landed RIGHT ON THE GARDEN LADY!"


"The garden lady was THE Betty Lou Jones, Master Gardner! She kept her face hidden under that silly red hat, but I saw her face anyway and my heart started to smolder!"


"I started to tell her about my feelings when she said to me, "GET OFF OF MY DRESS YOU STUPID DOLT!"  


"I threw my fist into the air with rage!"


"Then I immediately hopped down and crab-walked my way out of her sight."

C.S.I. (The back yard garden episodes!)

I took this photo at the end of the June, 2011, 90+ hottest day on record here in Minnesota day! This was the sight inside of one of my back yard bird-baths.

The least I could do was to process the case!

 After-all...MY backyard was the scene of the crime!

  Two Dead. Deaths look moderately suspicious! Water temp - 89 degrees! Possible heat-stroke accident.

Here's what I think went down...


I think the black beetle was hot. He probably dived into the water thinking he could cool down. He had no way of knowing that the water was boiling at this point! Massive heart failure upon impact!


The reddish-brown June bug  probably saw the black beetle and came to help! Looks like he dove in too but sadly, in this case, the resilient crusty shell June bugs have proved to be like a rock and pulled that June bug right down! If you look at the photo, it appears that the June bug's head stayed down towards the bottom.


I also noted that there was a third, small and green, insect of some kind that was also floating in the debris filled water.  Can't say for sure if the green bug knew either of the other victims.


You gotta admit, the  inordinately expensive orange flower bauble at the bottom of this birdbath is quite impressive right?  The birds in my yard are treated WELL!


When I drained out the birdbath, I didn't have it in me to perform autopsies on the dead bugs.


The remains were never identified by relatives or friends. Since nobody stepped up to identify these bugs, I thought I ought to immortalize them.


You can support your local beetles and June bugs by showing this story to any of them you come into contact with!  Let them know that they should always test the water in a bird bath before diving in!

Max Mercury Leaves the Box of His Life in Comics in order to REALLY LIVE!

"I'm Max Mercury and I'm on a mission!"

"I am going to identify all the plants throughout the garden!"

"Then I'm going to communicate with the garden sculptures!"

"And then, I'm going to attend all the garden churches!"

"And THEN, I'm going to design replicas of famous landmarks and add THEM to the garden!"

"And THEN, after I've done all of THAT,  I am going to become ALLIES with the entire BIRD population!"

"I'm going to be #@@!!@#!! FIERCE!"

"Hell yes!"

Kinky Women and the Birds Who Love Them!

"Oooooooh la la Lola! ... I see you were expecting me!"

You can always tell what a person does for a living by their attire.

"Holy Bird Droppings!"

"It's one of those Cirque du Soleil guys just sittin' around in my back yard!"

Look into my eyes...unethical squirrel hypnotists

A mother squirrel will stoop to diabolically unethical means to secure food for her family!

"Look into my eyes, Mr. Peanut Dispenser...that's right...you are starting to feel r-e-l-a-x-e-d...."

"Keep your focus on my eyes, Mr. Peanut Dispenser...that's right...you are feeling really tired now..."

"You are now deeply asleep Mr. Peanut Dispenser. You will turn your gears every two minutes and allow another peanut to escape directly into my paws."

"When you hear the last shelled peanut crack open, you will immediately wake up, and you will not remember a damn thing that just went down here."

Fractured Fairytale #1 - The Princess, the Sparrow & the Suitor

Once upon a time there was a princess. She lived in the woods and loved her life. She had absolutely no need for a prince.!

One day, just as she was walking through the front gates of her home in the woods, a bird came along. The bird said "Excuse me princess!...I have a prince here who would like to meet you!"

The princess looked over at the prince, saw his outfit and hair and said, "Oh really bird? Is the circus in town?" 

Then the princess did a flip over a nearby railing, swung away from the prince and said, "Nice Hair Prince!"

The prince said, "Princess! Where I come from...a pompadour on a man's head is a symbol of extreme manhood! Ask my P.R. Manager!

(Commentary below indicate conversations which took place earlier on this day between the prince and his P.R. Manager who happens to be a squirrel)...

"As the Public Relations Manager to Prince Hank, I tried to tell him that women don't respond to that particular 'look' on a man! I used words like "out-dated"...but he's the Prince - what can I do?!"

"Squirrel! YOU should try a pompadour!"

"Listen Prince! You'd do well to lose the hair and put on some REAL pants!"

"Ok prince if you want to get the girl - I can make it happen for you...but this is the LAST time!"

"This is a magical nut - after I break it open, I want both of you to take a bite of it. Prince, we'll start with you."


The prince fell into a deep slumber from biting into the nut and the princess and her secret lover, the squirrel, scurried up to one of the castle turrets. The turrets offered them privacy and a killer view of the kingdom!

The End.

Fun with Dixie and Jayne

Jayne and Dixie had finally found the home they had dreamed about for years!

See Dixie and Jayne's home.

Jayne and Dixie met in 2006 and were immediately attracted to one another! They were inseparable!


After years of fun together, they realized they didn't need to look any further...they had each found their perfect lifetime companion!  


They decided to buy a house together! They saved for what seemed like years and the day they saw the split level house, they immediately paid the asking price for it!

As soon as they could, they moved right in!  Every day, they spent part of the day, sitting out by their pool!


See Dixie and Jayne sitting by the pool.

Dixie was a dreamer and an optimist. Jayne was a realist and a pessimist. 


One day, after about a week of living in the house together, something happened which caused the easy-going relationship dynamic to end. Things would never be the same again for Dixie and Jayne.

See Dixie and Jayne's two car garage.

  

Hear Dixie say "I hear rustling."

See Jayne look out the window.

Hear Jayne say "Dixie?" "What is the name of our favorite movie in the whole world?"

Hear Dixie say "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman!"


Hear Jayne say "That is correct Dixie."

 See Jayne look out the window again.

See Jayne's eyes get as big as fried eggs when she sees the ominous large birds sitting outside their home!

Hear Jayne explain to Dixie that the 50 Foot birds in their yard won't be as much fun as their fantasies have been about being attacked by 50 foot women!

See large bitter-looking birds surround Dixie and Jayne's new house!

See Jayne try to explain to Dixie about 'Dangerous Situations'.

 Hear Jayne shouting, "Run Dixie, run!"

Hear Dixie asking Jayne if their new bird visitors are from the 'welcome wagon'.

Hear Jayne shouting "No Dixie - run!"  

Hear Dixie say to Jayne, "I'm going to go outside and pet the troubled birds."


Hear Jayne say "Dixie! One of the giant birds has placed a branch in front of the back door and the garage! Our escape route is blocked!"


Hear Dixie say "I think the bird put the branch by the house so we will feel safer!"

"Hear Jayne say, "Are you ##!!@! insane?"


See Jayne run!


See Dixie come outside and say to the ruffian birds, "Who doesn't want to be called Mr. Crabby-pants today?"


See Jayne turn and run faster!"


Run. Jayne. Run.


See the giant birds fly off into the sunset with Dixie.


Hear Dixie say, "You silly giant birds are going to bring me back home right after we have lunch today right?"


See Jayne continue to run.


Run. Run. Run.

The Usual Suspects at a Garage Sale

What to expect if you are a bird and are having your first garage sale!

There will always be the eager first-arrival-of-the-day-shopper who will fly into your sale before you are even set up! This is the shopper who will spot exactly what he or she wants immediately and then literally, stand on it! Standing on it is a bird's method of letting you, as well as any other bird shoppers know, that they DO plan to buy the item and that they have literally staked their claim on it! You do NOT want to mess with a bird standing on a garage sale item!

Next...Plan on having some version of the Gung-Ho sisters visit your sale! They will actually have the gall to continue eating the remains of their fly-thru-fast-food-restaurant-breakfast while walking around and looking at items in your Garage Sale!

Next... There will always be an old crotchety/snippy bird neighbor who will fly down to your sale from his or her house. He/she will never buy anything!  He/she will annoyingly just lurk at your sale, complain about the prices, and give everybody the stink-eye!

At the end of the day, there will always be at least one expensive item left that didn't sell at your garage sale. While you are packing things up, there will be one last bird that comes along just as you are closing. He or she will offer you 1/2 of the price you had originally marked for let's say... the beautiful Mirage, Dept 56 cactus set you are selling! At this point, you will be SO tired, and so vulnerable that you will smile and say "It's a deal!"

After you clean up your yard from the sale, you will pack all the remaining items that didn't sell and fly them to the nearest thrift store. You will not want to bring the sale items back into your home! After you drop off the no-longer wanted garage sale items, you will drive straight to the nearest all-you-can-drink bird bath and you will drink and literally submerge yourself in the water for the rest of the evening! It will be at this point that you will vow to yourself that YOU ARE NEVER HAVING A GARAGE SALE AGAIN!

Petrified Bird Shocked to Find Petrified Feet!

Bernie Flypower liked to feel scared and uncomfortable.  Bernie would do anything to feel a case of the 'creeps' coming on. If word gets out that there is a dead animal carcass lying in the street, Bernie Flypower is always the first one on the scene...just so he can feel revolted! Bernie Flypower is not your ordinary bird - he's a 'Moments that Make your Heart Race" addict!

When Bernie Flypower heard on the news that there were some mummified feet that were found in someone's back yard, Bernie couldn't fly there fast enough!  Bernie got as close as he could to the feet for a good look and it was then, that he thought the toes wiggled at him! At that exact moment, Bernie Flypower became PETRIFIED with utter and complete fright!

Of course the toes didn't really move (after all...they were PETRIFIED along with the foot), but because Bernie BELIEVED they moved, he was able to experience that, pins-and-needles-are-sticking-you-right-this-second, FEELING... that he lives for!