Bird Enforcers

Milton Angerclaw has been an enforcer for over 25 years!

Milton Angerclaw has helped thousands of home owners to locate deadbeat varmits such as, moles, voles, mice, and dirty rats located all over the world! 

Milton Angerclaw physically apprehends subjects and

gets the job done!

Milton Angerclaw...

He'll stop nasty vermin dead in their tracks!

Better hope Milton Angerclaw NEVER has to look for YOU!

Talons for Hire 

Challenge your mind....

BRAIN TEASER ...

IF, a bird and a skeleton arrive at a bar at the same time, and there is only one bartender, and that bartender places three drinks on the bar...


If the bird doesn't drink the vodka, and the skeleton can't even swallow drinks of vodka and only wants the vodka bottle cap to use for a hat...then, WHO ARE THE THREE DRINKS FOR?

My great idea for a fabulous vodka commercial...

"I'm literally DYING to have one more look at the SKYY!"

Individual sized Mayonnaise packets - how they are made!

Ever wonder how mayonnaise packets are packaged?

Here’s how it’s done!

At the Philadelphia Mayonnaise headquarters and plant, black birds are trained to hand pick small foil sleeves, which they position carefully in white sand. 

The lead blackbird then pushes all the air out of the foil sleeve by moving it’s claws inch by inch down the sleeve.


At that point one end of the sleeve is open and ready to be filled with Mayonnaise.

Then the lead black bird lets it’s assistant know that it’s time to go and get the mayonnaise.

However…sometimes the young apprentices, also called assistant black birds, bungle their end of the job and the foil sleeve gets flattened and full of sand before any mayonnaise gets inserted.

When this happens, the lead black bird often gets very angry and harsh words are spoken.

The company's goal is to send out over 500,000 packets of Mayonnaise a day based on orders!


 Unfortunately, the trained black bird system takes a long time and on days like this (as shown above) only 100 packets get done in a day.


The black birds are part of a union and can't be fired. 

Send the perfect gift for bird and garden lovers!

Nothing says, “I love you” like our Tell-A-Flower UNIQUE, floral, living bird, arrangements!

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Brighten a loved one's day today!

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For just $199.99 plus shipping and handling, you can send a flower arrangement that is EXTRAORDINARY instead of ordinary!

You've seen the competitor's arrangements using plastic or ceramic birds...

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Live bird vs. synthetic bird shown here.

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Well, we at Tell-A-Flower use only REAL BIRDS!

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Place your order with

Tell-a-flower today!

Simply dial 1-800-TELL-BIRD and ask for the Black Capped Chickadee floral arrangement shown above!

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Or... for an extra $50.00, other bird species are available also! Check out a few of our signature  bird selections!

 Sparrow

  Mourning Dove

 Cardinal

 Yellow Finch

 Woodpecker

 Blue Jay

 Robin

 Yellow Warbler

All bird selections are heathy and can be kept in the home for up to 25 days!  Bird seed for the birds is included with the arrangements along with freshness packets for the flowers.

Please Read Fine Print below:

All birds must be returned in healthy condition to Tell-A-Floral within 25 days of bird floral arrangement receipt. Recipient is responsible for providing food, birdbath and bird toilet to floral arrangement bird.

  Additional return bird shipping fees will apply.

Satisfy Your Craving...

One summer evening, Archibald the Black-Capped Chickadee went to a movie at a Fly-In Theater.

The movie was all about the adventures of a Kingfisher Bird.

In the movie, the Kingfisher bird went diving for fresh sardines in the ocean using his beak to catch them.

Archibald thought that the sardines the Kingfisher bird caught in the movie looked DELICIOUS and he wondered what it would be like to sink his own beak into a sardine!

Unfortunately, Archibald knew that there were no lakes in his home town with sardines in them so he wasn't sure how to stop his relentless longing for them after watching the movie!

Then, like a bolt of lightening, an idea hit him! Using his superior skills of problem solving, Archibald finally found a way to immediately satisfy his craving for sardines!

He couldn't wait to get home.

The Best Part of Waking Up...for me

Early every morning, I go out to my deck with my cup of coffee in one hand, and a little glass bowl full of wax worms in the other.

I sit down in a chair, and have the following dialogue with my favorite little backyard bird friend, the Black Capped Chickadee.

Our conversation goes something like this....

"Good Morning you adorable little Black Capped Chickadee!"

 "Are you talking to me right now?"

 "Why Yes I am! Why don't you settle in and get comfortable and have a look at the LIVE goodies I brought out for you this  morning!"

 "My my, those wax worms, certainly do look delicious!"

 "Go ahead and try one! They are fresh and squirmy, just the way you like them!"

"Oh dear, I can't decide which one to eat first! They all look SO tempting!"

"Well, my little chickadee friend...they are ALL for you - so take your time - enjoy them, savor them, let them melt in your mouth, but ... whatever you do ... DO NOT DROP ONE IN MY COFFEE CUP LIKE YOU DID YESTERDAY! THAT WAS SO NOT FUNNY!"

Bad Bird Behavior in the Woods

The Siren Sisters were enjoying their private bathing pool in the woods when a wayward sparrow blundered into their pool.  The Siren Sisters were completely appalled with the sparrow, but the sparrow didn't seem to mind at all, that he had landed in the Siren Sisters 'fairy-only' restricted bath!

"This is horribly embarrassing for us and in poor taste!" the Siren Sisters said in unison to the thoughtless sparrow!

"Oh REALLY", said the sparrow! Let me show YOU what REAL EMBARRASSMENT AND POOR TASTE LOOKS LIKE!", and the sparrow flew right up and landed on one of the fairies' heads.  He remained comfortably perched on the fairies' head  for most of the afternoon!

"Get OFF OF ME YOU BRAZEN BIRD!" the fairy could be heard saying in a muffled voice, but the sparrow stood his ground until it was time for him to go back home.

Info-mercial for BACKYARD BIRDS!

"ATTENTION OUTDOOR BIRDS!

Are you tired of flying all over the place, in the constant effort to catch bugs to eat?

Wouldn't you like it, so much more...if you could just rest comfortably on a branch and WAIT FOR THE BUGS TO COME TO YOU?!

Well NOW YOU CAN!

If you're a bird between the ages of 2 and 25, the BUG-BE-HERE grid is for YOU!

Starting today, all backyard BIRDS CAN RELAX and HUNT FOR LIVE FOOD at the same time! We've come up with an invention that will make it easier than ever for birds to obtain bugs for instant eating!

Our magnificent invention is the BUG-BE-HERE grid! Our BUG-BE-HERE grid, attracts fresh insects such as  flies, beetles, ants, centipedes, bees, gnats, and grasshoppers, to name a few!

Having guests for dinner? No worries...use two BUG-BE-HERE grids at the same time and in less than 5 minutes you will have enough fresh bugs to feed several bird guests! 

Our BUG-BE-HERE grids come in two gorgeous colors, lime green and swimming pool blue!  The grids are sturdy and long wearing!

Here's how the revolutionary BUG-BE-HERE grids work!...We took ordinary fly swatters and wired them with a special electrode which is like a gravitational pull to insects! They can't resist it!

You simply push the 'on-button' when you want bugs to eat and within seconds, hundreds of bugs are literally clamoring to be the first one on the BUG-BE-HERE grid! The electrode in the BUG-BE-HERE grid is not harmful to the bugs or to the bird-user.  It simply attracts the bugs and puts them in a calming sleep mode until you are ready to eat one!

When you are ready to eat, you simply hit the 'off' button and pull off a fresh insect with your beak from the BUG-BE-HERE grid! You'll have hundreds of bugs to choose from and you didn't even have to leave the comfort of your own home to obtain dinner!

Catch more bugs in a day than you ever have before!  For just $9.99 you get two of our beautifully crafted BUG-BE-HERE grids along with detailed diagrams outlining just how to use  them!

The first 500 birds who respond to this offer will receive a handy towelette which can be used over and over again to wipe off flattened bug matter from your fabulous new bug swatters!

If you lose the towelette - just wait for rain and your BUG-BE-HERE grid will be like new again!

If you are a 'worm eater' - just press the 'on' button twice and a different magnetic pulse will emit.  As soon as worms hear that 2nd pulse, they immediately come up from the ground and start crawling up the handle of your BUG-BE-HERE grid! 

This offer has been brought to you by Innovative Bug Terminating Industries.

Bird Auto Mechanic Finds Solution for Smart Car Oil Change Woes

On August 8th, 2011, a customer brought in his small Smart Car, and asked to have his oil changed.


Top Bird mechanic, Buzz Dicks, told the customer he WOULD do the oil change, but inside he was fuming! 


Every time Buzz tried to do an oil change on the Smart Car, IT WAS A DISASTER!  The standard oil change funnels were all too large to fit the way they needed to into a Smart Car! As a result, MOTOR OIL, would literally cover the CAR and the mechanic by the time the oil change was completed!


At that point,the customers would refuse to pay for their disastrous oil changes and it was a bad situation all around.


Buzz Dicks said, "Enough is Enough!" He stayed up all night one evening, and on August 12th, 2011, he revealed a new machine that he had created! 


The machine could crank out millions of TINY LITTLE FUNNELS which were IDEAL for use in Smart Car oil changes!!!


Buzz Dicks became a millionaire just like that because the makers of the Smart Car purchased hundreds of the tiny funnels which were to be INCLUDED with every sale of a Smart Car going forward!


Buzz Dicks owns seven Smart Cars and he says even though he's filthy rich, he still gets a charge out of changing the oil in his own cars, using his tiny funnel invention.

Storage Wars - Bird Style - featuring "Harry Dice" SHOTS OF NEW EPISODE!

Harry Dice, competitive bidder on Bird Storage Wars, bid $1,800.00 on the contents of Storage Container #666!

 He had his eye on ONE key item in storage container #666 and he was pulling it out with his feet to see if his instincts were right! 

Harry often talked to himself while unloading the storage containers he would win in bidding wars . 

"This painting/sculpture looks expensive; I just love red frames!".  "Red frames bring good luck; I have a friend who decorates his entire house with red frames and he's an exceptionally lucky guy!"

"Yes...I can definitely get a buck or two for this, but first I'm going to take it to an appraiser because I think it's worth a lot of dough!  I think it's an original! I should look to see if it's signed!  I wonder if it's signed? If it's signed it will be worth millions! 

If the appraiser says it's worth a LOT of dough, I'm going to keep it!  Well...even if he says it's junk, I'm going to keep it. I love red frames."

Ladies Man No More!

Once upon a time there was a cute little boy bird who's name was Chicory Jones. He went by the nickname of 'Chic'.

Chic considered himself a real ladies' man when it came to females. Any females. He liked them all! Any species, it didn't matter - Chic would come on to them and expect to be successful in his finely honed debonair approach. Chic always had a smooth line for the ladies.

One day Chick was flying around when he noticed a particularly beguiling female hanging around a spider-web themed outdoor bird lounge.

"Well...what do we have here?" said a very intrigued Chic Jones!


Chic flew down to get a better look at this vision of complete femininity and thought to himself..."This little beauty won't know what hit her once she experiences the old 'Chic Jones Charm!"

Chic flew down to get a closer look.  He found out that this femme fatale was an exotic dancer who performed daily at the popular "Spider's Den" gentlemen's bird club.  Her name was Violet Silvermist.

Chic couldn't take his eyes off of Violet! She was the most beautiful vision of the female species he had ever seen!


However, when Chic opened his beak to utter one of his "Hey Baby...", never-fail lines, to Violet,...he found that... for the first time in his life, he couldn't come up with an adequate line!"

Violet saw Chic looking completely stupified and it appeared to her that he was unable to speak, so Violet BOLDLY said to him in a tiny sultry voice... "What's the matter big boy? Cat got your tongue?"


But Chic remained silent and could only stare at Violet through his little star struck eyes.

 Chicory Jones had just discovered the woman who was to become the love of his life and after finding her, he was a forever changed boy bird. No suave and tacky 'come on' lines were ever uttered by Chicory Jones again.

Role Reversal

Here's the thing...

                                                                   

 I just ADORE the birds in my backyard!  

I take photos of the birds DAILY.


I put the photographs I take of the BIRDS on the walls of my home so I can admire them all the time!

So... IS IT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK... 

THAT THE BIRDS KEEP A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME...IN A PROMINENT TYPE OF BIRDSTAND... OUT IN THE BACK YARD FOR THEIR VIEWING ENJOYMENT!!! 

It just seems like the natural thing to do.

ANGRY BIRDS BULLETIN BOARD NOTES

Slashbeak Rollins was one of thousands who auditioned to win a role in the newest ANGRY BIRDS game, scheduled for release in the winter of 2011. Slashbeak's 'special ability" which can be activated by the player, will be to... use 'shovels' to launch mounds of 'bird ICE SCULPTURES' at pigs, who are hiding in igloos and snow forts!

What cinched Slashbeak's audition, was his uncanny ability to make it appear that he was wingless, along with his sinister facial expressions.

Addicted - TLC - Animal Addictions

Antiques Roadshow Appraiser Wowed by Cut Glass Vase Belonging to a Bird!

PINATA SELF DEFENSE CLASSES!

Eddie Sippowitz is trained in squirrel self defense. These photos were taken during a self defense class that Eddie Sippowitz conducted in Manhattan, NYC.

When Eddie Sippowitz conducts self-defense classes, he uses a DOG PINATA for his hand's on demonstrations of strategic self-defense moves.

Squirrels often have to defend themselves from ill-behaved dogs. Through the use of a few simple moves, Eddie teaches that you can overpower your dog attacker and render him defenseless.

Below Eddie demonstrates some strategic moves that he uses.

  

Always find a way to sneak up behind a dog.  Dogs are usually oblivious.

 Before initiating any moves on an unsuspecting hound, first engage it in conversation and explain that it has the option to mind its own business and leave you alone in your quest to pilfer stuff from its yard... OR let it know then and there, that there could be consequences.

Give the dog the opportunity to see that you mean it no harm by gently smelling it's paw pads.

 If the dog in question is not prepared to play by your rules, it is THEN, that you take protective action.

Put your paw on the side of the dog with claws extended.

Next, place your paws over the dog's eyes and softly whisper... "Guess Who?"

After you have the dog completely befuddled with your 'Guess Who?' query, that's when you make your move and put the dog in a temporary sleeper hold.

At that point you will have approximately five minutes before the dog wakes up and actively seeks YOU out to elicit revenge!