Black Squirrel Investigator says Roofers used cheap materials!

The first thing the bird families did, before deciding what would qualify as sturdy potential bird homes, was to call in a roofing expert! The birds had all put their seed money together to pay for a quality roofing representative.  


The next day, the roofing inspector came out to the yard. He was a black squirrel. A rare sight in a predominantly grey squirrel yard. He was a gruff, scruffy looking guy. It looked like he hadn't even tried to brush his fur when he awoke that morning!  But the word on the bird street was that THIS guy was the best when it came to roofing issues!


When he arrived in the yard, the black squirrel investigator barely gave the birds the time of day. He ran into the yard and was frantically looking everywhere except, UP at the birdhouses!  He started digging in the yard! The addled birds had to tell the guy that the birdhouses are all ABOVE ground and to stop his needless and incessant digging!


The black squirrel investigator finally got the message and climbed up on top of a row of birdhouses to conduct his roofing inspection!  He immediately looked down at the watchful birds and said "Which one of you birdbrains were thinking of living in this blue church-like birdhouse?"


Then he pointedly said "This roof is a piece of crap!  Who-ever put this roof on didn't even use nails! I just see a dab of some old Elmer's Glue! All I have to do is sink my remarkably pointed teeth into this little piece of foam-core roofing here and I could easily topple this baby!"


The black squirrel  inspector put his stamp of approval paw mark on the rest of the houses in the yard.  Then he cruised up to the birds and said "Let's have that seed money and while you're at it, give me a boost up to your private feeder!"


The inspector ate all the bird food.  Later that day the birds decided that the blue birdhouse would only be used as a decoy for wrens who always were stealing all the other bird's private dwellings!

Retro Cherries! Who doesn't love them?

One day in the back yard, just for fun, I brought out some of my coveted 'cherry' themed favorites!  I set a cute little table up with a cherry table cloth and topped it with a nice cherry glass and then I topped the entire tableau off with a cute cherry mug! The scene was screaming retro cuteness!

I saw a blur of motion and then suddenly a little sparrow came to land upon my cherry covered mug!

The sparrow looked at me and said "Hey Lady! Don't you think this is a bit over the top with the whole cherry themed extravaganza you have going on here?"  I looked right at him and said "I don't remember inviting you to come and sit with me so I don't see how my cherry themed items would concern YOU!"

The sparrow looked at me again and said,"Listen lady! You have the words 'flea market lover' written all over your forehead." I stopped by because 'flea market' to me conjures up images of 'fleas' and I was hoping to eat some! After I finished eating all the fleas I anticipated are on your body, I thought I'd take a little dip in your cherry themed swimming pool here!"

What could I do? The sparrow had insulted me! I went back into the house and sat in the dark in the basement hoping the sparrow would fly away. When I came back outside later that day, there were all kinds of bird droppings in the bottom of my cute mug and my cherry glass was no where to be seen. I put the cherry mug in the dishwasher to be sterilized and I had to soak the filthy cherry table cloth in bleach! I gagged as I did it.

The next day I looked outside and there was that same sparrow, sitting on my deck railing yelling at me...he was shouting "Hey Lady! You got any blueberry themed items you want me and my friends to check out for you?" 

Then he put his feathered wing over his beak and began laughing.  I could hear him laughing even as he flew off into a neighbors yard. 

My beloved retro cherries - tarnished by a total lack of respect from the sparrow community.

Bird Parenting - Returning Home after Leaving the Nest

It's not easy being a parent.  You do the best you can, you raise your kids to be independent.  They eventually leave the home you built for them and you hardly ever see them again. They grow up to raise their own kids.


But every once in awhile, your child returns home for some of your special home cooking.  Your cooking always remains a solid memory in your child's mind whether it's was good or bad.


Sometimes your children don't always resemble their parents.  That's when the hard day comes around...the day when your child asks you..."Mom! Was I adopted?"


"Of course not!" you smile and reply...it's just that you inherited all of your dad's genes!

Buyer's Remorse in a back yard setting...

This is one of the tenants who owns a condo in my back yard. He is a complainer. Every time I see him he's telling his story to anybody who will listen...


"Hey you! Did you ever buy a house you thought was going to be absolutely perfect but then there turned out to be just that one little thing that ruined it for you?


I definitely KNOW now why the former sellers were selling this house!


I was actually hooked on this cute one-story house with the yellow roof, the minute I set eyes on it! There were even two nice yellow Adirondack chairs just outside the house beckoning to me!!


The Realtor told me back then, that the house would come with everything and that everything was included in the price of the house!  So of course I bought it!"


"I had NO idea that when the Realtor said I was going to inherit 'everything' that comes with the house'... that she was talking about, a bird, as big as I am, who is already living in the house! 


I am learning to share the house with the bird but I'm telling you, that bird has ruined all my furniture! I get up in the morning and there are bird droppings on the walls, on the floor and even in the bath-tub! That bird hasn't used the bathroom once! 


"Now I can't afford to move and that bird has informed me that I have to spruce up the house because it's spring and he's seeking out a mate!  Great! That means there will be baby birds living in my house too! - Let me tell you...I know a thing or two about buyer's remorse!"

Somebody brought me the wrong legs!

 I had these same legs once!  I used to sit like this! My legs were SO good to me!

 It's kinda crazy the way, when you age, your legs change into legs you never imagined having!

These days these legs get stuck in sitting positions!  I go to stand up and the knees are locked up and it takes an eternity to straighten my legs enough so I can walk! If they are stiff, I walk slow thinking to myself the entire time..."When the hell did they take my good legs?" Some slithering invisible creature comes when I sleep or something and man this critter literally sucks the vibrant life out of my legs!  These creatures are some kind of leg parasites! Oh, you won't find them written about in any medical journals but I know they are real!  They have to be real! It's the only logical reason for what has happened to my legs!

I had killer legs when I was young! My legs were like my trademark!  I'd wear super short skirts and back then you wore nylons so your legs would look flawless! When I slipped on 'heels' my legs were transformed to something from a leg commercial!  My legs turned heads and I loved using them to turn heads!  I loved those legs!

I can't pull off a dress these days - even long is too short. Let me mention also...another evil that has creeped into my skin just above my knees....SPIDER VEINS!  You know how you want to jump and scream when you see a spider on your leg?  Well, I get the same urges when I see my spider veins! And I see them every day!  There's a hell of a LOT of screaming around here!

If you have great legs, spend a day enjoying them and dedicate it to me!  I used to love shaving my legs because they used to look sooo damn good when I was done!  My legs were bad! Now...they are literally...BAD. Bastard creatures who sucked the life out of my smokin' hot legs!